Russians and the destiny

A couple of weeks ago I was watching a play in one of Moscow theatres (based on Anton Ponizovsky’s book «Обращение вслух» (I Am All Ears), 2013. The main topic of the book/play was the “mysterious Russian soul”. In the play, a number of different life stories of Russian commoners were told by those commoners and then discussed by four Russian people, who accidentally met in Switzerland. The four people, among whom there was a middle-aged guy who mainly criticized his compatriots, and a young guy, who was defending them, tried to discover the essence of ‘Russianness’ from those life stories.

There were many topics raised, and if you are interested, you can read the book/watch the play. But one of the ideas that I want to share with you today is the belief of most Russians in destiny.

The example from the play was the following: a girl loved a guy, very much. He loved her too. They saw each other from time to time, enjoying the company of each other. After some time he joined the army and was far from the place she lived. When the guy she loved came to see her for one day from the army, she knew he still loved her, but he did not say anything about future and marriage. She did not ask of course, women are not supposed to ask such things. So he left to continue his service, and she married another guy. She still loved the first guy, but she thought that since he did not propose, and she was of the age when people are supposed to get married, it was her destiny to marry the other one, who proposed.

The middle-aged guy from the play laughed at that woman – isn’t it stupid to rely on destiny in such questions? Isn’t it one of the most important choices in life? If yes, why then didn’t she at least proactively ask the guy she loved about his plans for the future with her?

White square, Moscow

Well, you know… I’ve heard some stories like this one, and I often hear from Russian people answering the question why they are not together with someone they love, or why they did not go to the university they wanted, or why they did not move to the place they wanted one short answer – “Не судьба” (“it was not meant to be”). I hear it often, but not always, because some people know that “destiny” is not something 100% predetermined, they know that we ourselves are responsible for our life, so "destiny" means circumstances we live in, and some of them we can choose (like partners for life, profession, etc.) while others we can not (parents, color of our eyes, place of birth). Yet in Russia you will often get that "не судьба" answer - probably, sometimes it will be so just because it is the shortest one:)

It is funny, but if I ask the same questions people from the west, they will more likely give a logic answer, explaining their choice – because they believe that their life and choices in it totally, 100% depend on them, not on some kind of external power.

Maybe our choices in life totally depend on us and we can logically explain them, or maybe they depend on the destiny. Anyway, I personally think that there is inner logic in our destiny (and for the definition of destiny - see above) :) 

Rude Russians

Back in 2008, when I was in New York on work and travel program, during a conversation with my friend John I said something which was not very polite and then apologized for being rude. I do not remember what I apologized for, but I do remember what he answered: “You are not rude, just Russian”. It was a good excuse, and I was relieved that it was not entirely my fault. And of course it was a joke, but as we say in Russia, behind every joke there is a grain of truth. I’ve heard very often that people from abroad think Russians are rude and/or arrogant.

Well, people that you meet on the street, at a supermarket or at a restaurant may seem rude to you, if you come from another culture. And sometimes they are (in any country there are rude people). But very often people come to the conclusion that Russians are rude just because we do not normally talk or smile to strangers that much. For example, today I met my friend at a coffee house, we went for a walk and had dinner at a restaurant later. In both places the waiters did not say hello to us, did not wish us a nice evening, did not ask us any questions (apart from “have you made your choice?”). They just brought us the menu and brought us the food. I guess that waiters who do not talk and do not smile could seem rude to people from other cultures, but to me it was the best way they could do their job: they were quick and the food was good, and I wanted to talk to my friend. It would even have seemed suspicious if they had started asking questions or talking about something with us.

Sign saying it is forbidden to talk to strangers (Moscow, Patriarch ponds)

Unlike in Moscow, when my sister and I were at a Vancouver restaurant, a very nice smiley waitress talked to us for some minutes about the weather, asked us what our plans for the day were, what we had done before coming to the restaurant, etc. First I thought she was a friend of my sister’s or a waitress she saw often at that place. Then I realized that this is how things are like in Canadian restaurants

When I was in France in 2006, twice a week I went to the same supermarket, and the guy who worked there always smiled to me with a broad smile and said “Bonne journée”. I was 18, it was my first trip abroad and in the shops in my town people did not say that to clients. So I thought the guy was secretly in love with me. Well, to my disappointment later I realized I was not that special: he smiled and said “Bonne journée” to everyone…

When I was 20, I read a book on psychology (something about positive thinking), where one of the exercises was to smile to people in the street. I took the task very seriously and smiled to about 7 people in the streets of Nizhniy Novgorod. The first 3 were guys and it was ok (they smiled back or accidentally on purpose showed their wedding finger). Another 3 looked at me as if I was mad. The 7^th was a woman of about 50 that started shouting: she thought I was laughing at her, and she had that reaction just because she did not expect a smile from a stranger.

The conclusion from this is the following: in general we are not rude. We just do not talk/smile to strangers that much. We keep all that for close people.

So…Dear John! If you read it, I have a confession to make. I, Tatiana Globa, was (maybe) rude in 2008. I am personally responsible for that, Please do not blame it on my nation:)

Russian soul: getting to know, basic level

You have been living in Russia (or have been in touch with Russian friends/colleagues) for quite some time now, but you still feel you do not understand Russian people? Well, it is totally fine. It is just because of the "enigmatic Russian soul". So, if you want to understand better your Russian colleagues, partners or friends, you should probably try to follow some advice given below:

• start to learn about the soul by exploring Russia and observing ordinary people: if you think that by coming to Moscow you have seen the country, you are wrong. Moscow is Moscow, Russia is Russia. Just for you not to have a culture shock, first see Moscow and only then go to other places;
• when in Moscow, use the subway: if you go only on foot/by taxi, you will be able to see only touristic places, and it is not you goal: of course, visiting the Kremlin is a must, but the subway in Moscow is also special. Apart from looking at the old stations, look at people: some of them are just fashion stars:) https://vk.com/mmfshn;
• get to know the city with the locals: thus you will not only see the must-sees, but will learn more about the life style of a typical Moscovite; 
• if you have survived after seeing different parts of Moscow (not only the centre), you are ready for the trip! Take a map of Russia, close your eyes, chose the destination. It should be a small town, about 5 hours by train so that you would not be too exhausted after the trip, but it must be not close to Moscow (you can buy the ticket online on www.rzd.ru or www.tutu.ru, if you do not speak Russian); 
• get to know Russian culture: if you like to read, then read some of the books, that are truly Russian (the list of them will be in one of the following posts), go to the theatre, listen to famous Russian composers (e.g., Tchaikovski). If you do not like all that, you will probably like one of Leningrad's music videos, like this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=et281UHNoOU. Ask you Russian friend to translate dialogues from it so that you could understand what it is about;
• watch a movie: I do not know a single Russian who have not seen "Irony of fate" movie: this is about a middle aged guy who gets drunk with his friends in banya on New Year's Eve and accidentally goes to Saint-Petersburg instead of his friend: the rest of the story is quite touching, so if you like stories with happy endings and want to see a movie with Russian soul, watch this one;
• spend a day like a hero from a Russian fairy tale: enjoy yourself, do nothing. In Russian fairy tales and epic poems it happens often that a guy (Emelya, Ilia Muromets) is idling away his time while his brothers are constantly working, and not they but he becomes the hero because he catches a magic fish who fulfills all his dreams or conquers the bad guy because he is very strong. Follow their example: lie down, spare your strength, wait for magic to happen (I am sure it will be the most difficult tasks of all);

  

  The Bogatyrs (V. Vasnetsov, 1898). Ilia Muromets is the one in the middle.

• visit your Russian colleague/friend: you will see how people live. It depends on how close you are, but usually if you want to come to a Russian with a visit, you do not plan it long beforehand, For example, I never know who will call me and say that in an hour or so he/she will come to me for a cup of tea (in case I am home): receiving guests is a pleausre. not an inconvinience for us (if we like the guest, of course);
• try Russian food (like syrniki. pelmeni, pirozhki, Russian soups, etc.).

Hope that will be useful:) Please feel free to ask questions (if any).